Sixty something, Stephanie Raffelock, in her book “The Delightful Little Book On Aging” starts by saying that “we don’t have a container for grief and that aging takes place against a backdrop of grief – loss of parents, siblings,  friends, athletic prowess and youthful beauty.”  Rafflelock says that grief is also about the little losses that pile up over time as friendships end, children move away, the role of work or career that once defined us gone.

The good thing about this says Raffelock, is that says grief cannot exist without love. And that grief allows us to reinvent ourselves.

She says resist grief and you will get stuck. Give her too much attention, and she’ll eat you up.

Failure After Fifty

Up until our sixties, we are fixed on success and failure. We are headed upward and outward says Raffelock. As we age, things slow down. The feeling of failure when time is running out, is an invitation to a larger vision, she says. 

Raffelock says this is the time to think like a tree. Think about going deeper – rooting downward like a tree. She says we can either quit or go deeper. 

Betrayal of The Body 

We sometimes think that our bodies are a lot younger than they are. Raffelock reminds us that our bodies are not  ageless. Our bodies will slowly break down. And we need to be more peaceful with that idea. 

Meanwhile we can keep moving she talks about her daily five mile walks outside, pilates, chair yoga, and swimming. Stephanie encourages us to appreciate that today is the day to get outside, that we are still upright, and we can move. 

When she asked her mother about aging, her mother said, “Getting old isn’t so bad but I wish I had left my dancing shoes on a little longer.”  

 Reclamation

There are things that you give up along the way, says Raffelock. We can reclaim a little of our core of wildness. She says before this stage, we are focused on career, mortgage. As we age, this is the time to reclaim a little bit of our wild outdoor self, our poetic sled poetic self, and our sense of adventure.

Please visit my website TreesMendUs.com for the rest of the show notes. 

Say Thank you To Yourself 

Stephanie says life takes away with one hand and gives back with the other. We can find a ways to make a little alters in the woods, place leaves in a certain pattern for ourselves – to honor the sacred and to honor ourselves. 

Gratitude she says is linked to reclamation. We can use saying thank you to ourselves and to nature to dodge the old slings and arrows of betrayal. We can say thank you to ourselves for getting outside, we can thank our bodies for working for us. Gratitude calms the heart and calms the mind, she says.

Things To Get Rid Of and Things To Embrace 

After retirement, Stephanie went through her drawers and got rid of things: pantyhose, thongs, underwire bras.  

She now wears athletic clothing and sensible flats. She is getting more comfortable. She also says “wear more color – you don’t have to blend in.” 

Nieces/Kids

Although not a mother, she loves her nieces. To them Stephanie says “don’t be afraid to speak up and be first, never stop reading, and don’t freak out about getting old.” We talked about my kids and leaving a legacy about the joys in life – that they can find quietness in nature, to let them know that they can lift themselves up and each other up. 

See Ourselves as Significant 

This is a beautiful part of life. Raffelock says we need to see ourselves  as significant and in a positive light. 

Stephanie tells that story of Kitty – her friend that she found in their twenties, how they found each other, became friends for life, in one of those deeply intimate relationships. Old friends and making new friends are still important. 

Proceed With Laughter, Love, Grace, and Dignity  

Stephanie says to reclaim those things we thought of as lost. Create small adventures in the woods nearby. Pick up the pen, create a new garden, find a walking partner. 

Laughter, grace is gratitude (appreciation) in action. Make your prayer: thank you to yourself for getting outside and thank you to nature. 

Find fulfillment in what you do, regardless of the outcome. 

Recording the Interview 

Here and there throughout the interview, I heard the comforting sounds of the soft claws of an old dog moving around next to Stephanie. I liked the sound as they mixed with Stephanie’s gentle voice tones. I could picture an old loving dog at her side. Toward the end of the interview as we started talking about walks outside, these slow soft claw sounds on hardwood became perceptibly more audible. I never considered editing them out. And they are still there if you listen carefully. 

Today I wish I would have asked Stephane about her dog. One week after our podcast interview, I learned that Stephanie’s dog at that time was filled with cancer. Stephanie and her husband had a vet who does house calls, come to her home this week for an assisted dog death. It went as well as could be, they loved him on his way out of this world.  While she and I were talking about grief and loss, Stephanie knew she would be facing the loss of her beloved dog at her side any day. 

Stephanie and I started this interview with how grief cannot exist without love.  And I can see that in time, this deep loss will allow Stephanie to reinvent herself a little more – for her beloved dog – for her own healing. 

Stephanie is a graduate of the Naropa University’s Writing Program in Writing and Poetics, and has written for several publications including The Aspen Times and Nexus Magazine. I first heard Stephanie on The Zestful Aging Podcast with psychotherapist Nicole Christina, and reached out to Stephanie because of her fresh approach to aging and to her outside mindset. 

Her website is her name.  Click here to see her book and social media links and articles.